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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that counseling might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or vulnerability, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.